Last night about 20 minutes into watching The Iron Lady interact with her dead husband, I leaned over to my husband and exclaimed, “Now I really understand what it was like was for your mother — she saw those things.”
This movie is about dementia, not history.
Lady Thatcher’s conversations with her husband Denis, were real to her, though she knew they weren’t. Time after time, as we sat together to eat or read, Mother would mention to my husband that her visions — that’s what Mother called them — were real enough to touch when they occurred. She, too, knew they were not real, but she could now get away from them.
By the time the movie ended, I sat quietly thinking to myself that I had just seen a rerun of the last year of his mother’s life with dementia — the confusion, the attempts to blot out things that you don’t like, the inability of the doctor to do much more than talk, the wary eyeing of the pills on the teacup saucer, the reveries over nearby photos, an unexpected feat of expressing thoughts with crystal clarity, and how music — in this case The King and I — seemed to calm and distract. Even the shots of Thatcher overhearing others talk about her, brought back memories of Mother snapping, “I’m right here,” when we discussed a treatment and forgot to include her.
Meryl Streep nailed a dementia sufferer’s perspective — with all that heartbreak and despair. The movie nailed the utter equal opportunity of these memory diseases. It doesn’t matter who you are — you are in the pool with the same odds as everyone else when it comes to developing some type of dementia.
But I felt uncomfortable, and when the credits began to roll and even had a slight tummy ache. The movie obliterated Lady Thatcher’s privacy.
Now most families, as they cope with this terrible range of brain diseases, are not shy about sharing. We certainly weren’t. Family members go to seminars, read books, share thoughts on-line, read blogs and write posts, consume articles, attend support groups, or just chat amicably with others who happen along with their memory-impaired family members. For most of us all this openness serves to keep Alzheimer’s, dementia, and all of the disease iterations out there in the open, making people realize the debilitating potential of aging. But these are small personalized interactions.
We rarely invite a group, much less the public, into our houses to see our loved one. So why make this movie now and not wait until Margaret Thatcher dies? Would anyone have considered making such a film about President Reagan before he died? In fact, we still haven’t. Why obliterate this woman’s last vestige of privacy at this time? Heartbreakingly, I believe it’s because she is a woman.
If Carol and Mark Thatcher can take any solace — and I would not blame them if they took none — this movie will make a lot more people understand the fury of dementia and it’s potential to take apart bit-by-bit and then destroy a person’s life. We can have the best health care, exercise regularly, eat well, and even reach the pentacle of power — these brain diseases don’t really care.
For those of us who have lost a family member to dementia, the movie is less of a look at contemporary British history and more like a vivid trip into our family member’s sorrowful decline.
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Thank you, so much, for writing this. This is exactly how I felt about this movie (other than the wait til she’s dead thing.) My grandmother has dementia, my grandmother who looked after me every school holidays when my parents were working, who told me stories and played games with me, who I love more than I could ever translate into words. I watched her forget me, my name, my face, my mother who is her daughter, everyone, how to walk and feed herself, and basic things most people take for granted. I watched her talk to her four daughters in a memory from their childhoods’ in real time, and my grandfather who is no longer with us. It’s true, this movie depicts it absolutely, and while there are differences between the dementia that I have seen, and the “character’s” dementia, it’s still so true. This movie IS about dementia, and it recieved so much criticism for skimming over parts of history and so on, but I really think you have to have known what it looks like or even feels like, to see this movie for what it is. Perfect. Again, thank you.