As Our Parents Age So Do We

Watching all four, now only two of our senior parents over the past ten years, I’ve been intrigued that a certain amount of helplessness seems to surface when they encounter the medical system. When a person becomes ill or develops a chronic condition, the medical world usually goes into high gear. This is especially true with seniors and medicare. There are tests to take, specialists to visit, and therapy or rehabilitation sessions to attend, so a patient is managed and told what to do every step of the way.

The scope of the medical care system comes through with great clarity in the Life With Father blog, whose author writes thoughtfully and in detail about caring for his father.

With our parents over the years I’ve noticed that the number of possible treatments is expanding, while at the same time they have fewer and fewer opportunities to ask questions that will help them understand the intricacies of their medical care. Our parents, as well as we aging children, have difficulty formulating questions at the moment a treatment or test is prescribed, and I am sure that increased technology and decreased doctor face time contributes to the problem.

Once they leave the doctor’s offices, our parents are hesitant to ask questions because they can rarely speak directly with their physician, who is often surrounded by a bevy of nurses, aides, and office staff, and seniors often feel helpless to move forward. We aging children on the other hand are more inclined to ask to speak directly with our doctors — a second or third time if necessary.

Dr. Bill Thomas an internationally known geriatrics expert (Changing Aging blog ) writes about the “plagues of long-term care” — helplessness, loneliness, and boredom. While these three “conditions” surface in long-term care situations, I believe the tendency to feel helpless begins long before anyone thinks about long-term care, and that the rigors of medical care play a significant role.

My husband’s mother, at a time when she was active, focused, and an active member of multiple book clubs, complained about heart palpitations. She knew something was happening, but it never happened when she was at the doctor’s office. Mother even went so far as to read about atrial fibrillation in her Harvard Women’s Health Watch newsletter. Her doctor had her wear a monitor for several days, but no palpitations were recorded.

More than once while sitting with Mother in the dining room she’d comment, “It’s happening now.” We’d suggest calling the doctor (now), but no, she wanted to wait until office hours, and she abhorred the emergency room because of unfamiliar doctors and long waits (check out my posting about a senior citizen emergency room that Dr. Bill Thomas helped to start).

So  the next morning Mother would call the doctor, a timely appointment would be scheduled, and once again the doctor would not hear the palpitations. After a while, mother stopped calling each time the palpitations recurred, waiting until a regularly scheduled appointment.

After Mother’s recent death we discovered that she had recorded each “fluttering”  event in her diary, and there were many. But because the doctor never heard the the palpitations, and mother never pressed the subject  or even brought in her diary showing the doctor how often the palpitations were occurring (one might be thought to be challenging or second guessing a doctor she might have said) nothing happened.

One morning just after a South Carolina visit (during that visit she reported two episodes), we arrived home from our 12-hour trip north only to turn around and return. Mother had been hospitalized because of a stroke (read about controllable stroke risk factors) and there they immediately diagnosed atrial fibrilliation. The stroke led to more and more medical problems, increasing difficulties with the activities of daily living, and extreme discomfort during her last three years of life.

I am not blaming the doctor or Mother. For some reason the doctor hesitated to treat her for the problem she reported, and mother hesitated to pursue the subject. Mother was in many ways being polite and showing respect for her physician, who she really liked. She did not think there was anything to do.

She was displaying a type of helplessness — she did not know when or how to follow through on the problem. Clearly she must have surmised it was a problem, given the notations in her diary. Yet Mother did not raise any of the issues, felt the doctor was the expert, and apparently never considered that her palpitation events could be a useful diagnostic tool for the doctor.

Most significantly, she declined the offer of help from her son,who wanted to help and might have been able to help her (and her doctor) sort things out.

Helplessness or pride?  It is difficult to know.